Lovin' Livin, Livin' Lovin'. On a Journey of Enlightenment, The Upward Spiral of Being.
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Every 52 days I begin a new 40-day Consciousness Journey, to increase awareness, understanding and knowing of different aspects of wholeness/oneness/unity: Love. Enlightenment. Some of these are: A Journey of Purpose, A Journey of the Heart, A Journey of Gratitude, A Journey of Abundance... Join me for a day, a week, or for the full 40-days. This is a Journey for a lifetime. I'll be here. susanwithpearls.com
Every moment, in it’s richness and fullness, pleasure or pain, awareness or numbness has stacked on top of each preceding moment for you to BE right here, right now.
Who are you? The culmination of Everything in your life, or that has ever been in your life!
Too often these nuances and subtleties of identity go overlooked.
Humans tend to see the obvious in each other, like physical appearance; humans tend to recognize obvious patterns, like “OCD” or “ADHD” or punctuality, or self-grooming tendencies.
Connect with your own fullness by remembering you are comprised of everything you are or have been, all the experiences you’ve had and the choices you’ve made. Think about everything you’ve learned, everything you’ve overcome, everything you’ve endured, every transformation you’ve made, every victory you’ve achieved!
Let this awareness expand how you think of yourself. Claim the subtleties of your experience. Recognize the overlooked moments of courage and helpfulness, of small triumphs and new choices.
Draw from that your potential. Where do you go from here? Where can you go from here? You are free and limitless! Go forth! Be You.
This is a prayer I wrote in 1999, when I was going through a VERY difficult time, and I dedicated it to anyone who has ever felt pain and cried out to God. (I was going through an Orthodox Christian phase on my path; you may notice that influence) :
Here’s my confession: I do not trust you. I have little faith. I do not believe that you are “up there”, looking out for me. I do not believe that you have my best interest in mind. Or that you are helping me create something in my best interest.
I don’t trust you. If I did trust you, I would be able to relax in this situation, I would be able to say “God knows everything; God is making things right and perfect”.
But I don’t do that. I resist. I fight. I fight the situation, which means, I fight You. I resist. I resist. I resist. I resist YOU.
If I had faith in You I would know that you love me, and that nothing could hurt me. I would feel safe, but I don’t. I want to run away. But how could I run from You?
If I trusted You, I would be able to accept this situation. I would be able to love and accept. But I don’t. I want to be far far far far away.
If I trusted you, I wouldn’t feel this resentment, this hostility, this anger, this violence that wells up inside me that wants to break down a door. So I’m terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible. This situation shows that. This situation proves that. Proves. Proves. Proves. Why are you showing me how terrible I am? Why do I have this situation in my life?
Why can’t I just do what you want me to do? Love my Lord? Love my neighbor? Why do I resist and run and fight, like an impetuous child?
And that just makes me want to be closer to you. To be forgiven. But I feel like I can’t. I can’t be forgiven. I’ve been too bad for too long… what do I do? Keep running?
The further I run the more I want you, the more I feel unworthy. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
You know what I want. You know what I need. Please help me to trust You that I may receive You. Please help me to do whatever it takes to open myself to you, and to doing Thy will. Please teach me and be patient with me, because I want to trust You and I want to have faith and I want to love You with all my heart and all my mind, and I want to do what you want me to do.
I think the worst thing in the world would be if You gave up on me. At least now, I feel like I still have a chance, but if you gave up on me and withdrew from me…….
I know I have lots and lots to learn and I’m worried because I’m stuck. Maybe if I don’t do it right, then you’ll decide that I’m not worth the trouble. Am I worth it? Please let me be worthy. Maybe if I get through this, you will let me work for you, “diligently shall I work for Thee, all the days of my life”.
That’s why I feel so terrible about these thoughts and emotions–they do not work for you. That’s why I want You to help me take them away. Help me be free of these angry, violent, hateful, resentful thoughts and feelings. What do I need to do?
I feel like everything is tightly tangled, intertwined, almost solid. I see some of the connections but then it twists and turns and I’m confused again.
Please find me worthy of Thy help. Please show me how to untangle. Please show me how to trust you. Please show me how to have faith. I am an eager, willing student. Really.
Please find me worthy. Please make me worthy. Send Thy Holy Spirit to cleanse and purify my body, soul, and mind, that I may do Thy works, and give Thy council, and glorify Thy name. Let me know the Peace of Thy trust and faith; grant me that I may always look to you and find you there. Amen
After I wrote this, I self-published about 50 booklets of this prayer. One of those I gave to my mom.
I found that booklet while cleaning out my mom’s house, after she passed, in April. It’s been sitting on one of the bookshelves in my living room.
I’ve been going through another very difficult time in my life, and just this week, it occurred to me to actually read the prayer that I had written so long ago. So I did.
The situation is different. It’s not about hostility or resentment or violence of emotion. But the tears flowed freely. Somehow it resonated.
I’ve only read the prayer twice in the past week. Today I got a response.
Today I saw this post on Marge’s Facebook page:
This. “So, now, if you are in a situation, a relationship, and this event is unfolding lies, complexity, and hate, you must abandon it immediately.”
That’s it. That’s my current situation. Lies, complexity, and hate. That’s exactly what I was praying about. Sometimes it’s not about loving through a situation, sometimes it’s about abandoning the situation.
And now I know what I need to do. Abandon it.
And yet I still feel resistance. “I resist. I resist. I resist.”
A celebration of the Divine Mother in all Her forms.
Click here to download a free booklet to follow along with the Fire Ceremonies, and the prayers to the Divine Mother.
Each morning for Navratri (March 25-April 2), I will be doing a fire ceremony to honor the Divine Mother. If you would like to be specifically included in the ceremony and the blessing, please email your full name and location, adding a picture optional. email@example.com. I’ll be posting a video of each ceremony, so you may join in the energy at your convenience.
Nights of March 24 – April 1, 2020 (Days: March 25- April 2)
Navratri means “Nine Nights” This is a time when the Divine Mother makes Herself easily available and accessible to all of her children. When the children seek the Mother, she rewards and blesses them.
Days 1-3 focus on purification, cleaning out, letting go of what no longer works in your life. For the first three nights, the focus is on the aspect of the Goddess responsible for Destruction and Restoration (Kali). This is a time of purification, a time to let go of all that is not “on purpose” for your life. This relates to “cleaning out your closets”, to make way for new things.
Days 4-6 focus on preparing to receive blessings: putting your mind, your tools, your house in order. The second set of three nights are devoted to the aspect of the Divine Mother who cooperates with us to learn what we need to learn, acquire what we need to acquire, and prepare in every possible way to live a Truly Fulfilled Life (Lakshmi). This is the time of preservation and taking care of things, or “putting your house in order”.
Days 7-9 focus on gratitude and receiving the Divine Mother’s blessings. Now is the time to ask for the Divine Mother’s Blessing. The work of the first six days now grants you a boon from the Divine Mother. She rewards and blesses Her children who look to Her. The final three nights are devoted to the aspect of the Divine Mother who embodies Divine Wisdom, and all that is pure and sublime in Nature (Saraswati). To realize Her, one must go beyond the pleasures of the senses and rejoice in the serenity of the spirit, to transcend the cravings of the flesh and to reside in the power of the mind of pure wisdom.