This is a prayer I wrote in 1999, when I was going through a VERY difficult time, and I dedicated it to anyone who has ever felt pain and cried out to God. (I was going through an Orthodox Christian phase on my path; you may notice that influence) :
Here’s my confession: I do not trust you. I have little faith. I do not believe that you are “up there”, looking out for me. I do not believe that you have my best interest in mind. Or that you are helping me create something in my best interest.
I don’t trust you. If I did trust you, I would be able to relax in this situation, I would be able to say “God knows everything; God is making things right and perfect”.
But I don’t do that. I resist. I fight. I fight the situation, which means, I fight You. I resist. I resist. I resist. I resist YOU.
If I had faith in You I would know that you love me, and that nothing could hurt me. I would feel safe, but I don’t. I want to run away. But how could I run from You?
If I trusted You, I would be able to accept this situation. I would be able to love and accept. But I don’t. I want to be far far far far away.
If I trusted you, I wouldn’t feel this resentment, this hostility, this anger, this violence that wells up inside me that wants to break down a door. So I’m terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible. This situation shows that. This situation proves that. Proves. Proves. Proves. Why are you showing me how terrible I am? Why do I have this situation in my life?
Why can’t I just do what you want me to do? Love my Lord? Love my neighbor? Why do I resist and run and fight, like an impetuous child?
And that just makes me want to be closer to you. To be forgiven. But I feel like I can’t. I can’t be forgiven. I’ve been too bad for too long… what do I do? Keep running?
The further I run the more I want you, the more I feel unworthy. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
You know what I want. You know what I need. Please help me to trust You that I may receive You. Please help me to do whatever it takes to open myself to you, and to doing Thy will. Please teach me and be patient with me, because I want to trust You and I want to have faith and I want to love You with all my heart and all my mind, and I want to do what you want me to do.
I think the worst thing in the world would be if You gave up on me. At least now, I feel like I still have a chance, but if you gave up on me and withdrew from me…….
I know I have lots and lots to learn and I’m worried because I’m stuck. Maybe if I don’t do it right, then you’ll decide that I’m not worth the trouble. Am I worth it? Please let me be worthy. Maybe if I get through this, you will let me work for you, “diligently shall I work for Thee, all the days of my life”.
That’s why I feel so terrible about these thoughts and emotions–they do not work for you. That’s why I want You to help me take them away. Help me be free of these angry, violent, hateful, resentful thoughts and feelings. What do I need to do?
I feel like everything is tightly tangled, intertwined, almost solid. I see some of the connections but then it twists and turns and I’m confused again.
Please find me worthy of Thy help. Please show me how to untangle. Please show me how to trust you. Please show me how to have faith. I am an eager, willing student. Really.
Please find me worthy. Please make me worthy. Send Thy Holy Spirit to cleanse and purify my body, soul, and mind, that I may do Thy works, and give Thy council, and glorify Thy name. Let me know the Peace of Thy trust and faith; grant me that I may always look to you and find you there. Amen
After I wrote this, I self-published about 50 booklets of this prayer. One of those I gave to my mom.
I found that booklet while cleaning out my mom’s house, after she passed, in April. It’s been sitting on one of the bookshelves in my living room.
I’ve been going through another very difficult time in my life, and just this week, it occurred to me to actually read the prayer that I had written so long ago. So I did.
The situation is different. It’s not about hostility or resentment or violence of emotion. But the tears flowed freely. Somehow it resonated.
I’ve only read the prayer twice in the past week. Today I got a response.
Today I saw this post on Marge’s Facebook page:
This. “So, now, if you are in a situation, a relationship, and this event is unfolding lies, complexity, and hate, you must abandon it immediately.”
That’s it. That’s my current situation. Lies, complexity, and hate. That’s exactly what I was praying about. Sometimes it’s not about loving through a situation, sometimes it’s about abandoning the situation.
And now I know what I need to do. Abandon it.
And yet I still feel resistance. “I resist. I resist. I resist.”
So what do I do?
Keep praying. Om Namah Shivaya.
Thank you God. Thank you Babaji.